Though the sun is gone, I have light

I have such a strong sense of fear of abandonment that I feel like it’s eating my soul. Haha. So depressing! But that’s the truth. I think I’m beginning to understand how fucked up I really am. That I need help. And that no, I am not fragile, but I am just actually broken. 

Shit seems so melodramatic. Over a dumb, hairy guy? Well yeah… I guess that’s how it is. I think my attachment to him developed so intensely when I lost the baby. I felt like I had no one and he was the one person that stuck around. It’s kinda like a parasite sticking to the closest life form around. I feed off affection. I live off closeness. Not the kind you get from a mother or a sister but real love from your “other half.” I am tangled up in this mess of a life I created for myself because I have an obsession of being in love. That’s it. 

I want arms that wrap around me and keep me safe. I want a body laying beside me when I sleep at night. I want to find a heart in someone else that I can call mine and give mine to him without fear of being hurt. I want another soul that my own can go to and call home. I want someone I can spend everyday with and be around them so effortlessly it’s like breathing. And one day, I know I’ll find you or maybe you will find me. 

Maybe it is Pat or maybe it isn’t. Maybe I’m just comfortable around him and it’s the familiarity that keeps me holding on. But there is no way a person could be so cruel to the other, when the other gives them all that she has with all the love she can possess, and that could be acceptable. I know I wasn’t his first love but I thought I would be his last. Even so, I’m glad I can find comfort in the fact he won’t be mine. 

I’m cracking. 

If only it were possible for your heart and your head to explode. I’m pretty sure I’d be way dead by now. 

• Woman on top 25 calories
• Doggy Style 40 calories
• Per gasp 3 calories
• Screaming 18 calories
• Urgent begging 22 calories
• Digging nails 11 calories
• Shaking 20 calories
• Licking 24 calories
• Real Orgasm 27 calories

(via beautiful-disaster18)

Remember Yellow. Remember hold me closer tiny dancer. Remember the radio room. Remember fish sticks and the fanny pack song. Remember our beds in which we spent countless hours. Remember late night driving to tbell and chipotle. Remember the dentist’s office. Remember the back seat. Remember the spot you’d meet me late at night. Remember our ultrasound where we listened to our baby’s heartbeat. Remember when we used to dream of forever and how we’d run to each other for everything. Remember feeling my warmth next to you at night. Remember the nights we’d fall asleep on the couch and how your body fit perfectly behind mine. Remember Tawas. Both times. Remember the beach you proposed at and the stormy twilight sky. Remember the waves crashing. Remember how you got down on one knee and asked me to be your wife. Remember the beautiful ring you placed on my finger and the promise to love me forever. 

Remember me as I was. Remember the best in me. That’s how I remember you and that’s why I have loved you so much. This really is the end my love.

Just got kicked out, kicked out. No car. No home. Kinda alone except for my dog…. awesome…